tiredness
i'm tired. that's how i got here in the first place: a deep, existential tiredness and here i am on the other side, no way to go but through, i fell into the tunnel please understand me i had no more energy left. it was night the drugs were going to my brain and the torrential grey had started to quieten into a peaceful blue and i couldn't tell which way was up. that's when i decided to tell someone, better to die in someone's arms than alone i guess, and i sat on the bench huddling knees to chest watching from somewhere far away watching the lights of the hotel swaying thinking what i had done to myself and if this was really it, the unfairness of having to die at such a young age and i was fighting myself, unsure if by letting go of consciousness i was letting go of life itself. in the cold night a stranger was calling the ambulance and i had not yet travelled the world, had not seen my brother grow up so i clung onto this stranger's arm sucking his warmth like a bloodthirsty vampire, miles between coherent thoughts just wondering if i had left enough love behind.