survival
the world seems understandable in flashes. i've earned my way to this point. i can feel my body and my story, particularly dark at times. i cannot go chasing the way i want things to be. instead, they will have to come to me. it is the fact that i cannot tell my story that i feel heavy and alone. though i know i can and i should. these are the crosses i was chosen to bear.
why do we fundamentally feel so incomplete, like inside of us is a void that sucks in anything like a vacuum? why do we want to do such great lovely things? what is the force that drives us, and why do we resist, and why do we feel such loneliness and suffering?
i feel overpassionate and clunky, i feel like i will burst, i feel like i will never be enough, all of these are just feelings. my mother feels constrained, feels like she does too much work, feels like she can never rest, these are just feelings. i feel the generational wounds that have not healed, feel like it's my job to heal. i feel like i have sunk too deep on this quest for knowledge, and i have seen too much to turn back, and yet i am not nearly knowledgeable enough. i feel like i will never know enough to help myself.
i see my brain hesitate and struggle. i want to help myself, set myself up to have what i want, but i have only learned to let go more. i learn about the forces of the universe in my own special convoluted way, reverse engineering what the pain must mean, why it exists so that we can exist...
do you see? i am trying to do it all myself, while digging myself all the deeper. the weight of the darkness of the world is heavy. to be light is simple, but not easy, and for me it is a survival choice. a hyperintellectualized type of survival in this anxiety ridden modern world. survival nonetheless. a survival that takes me above and beyond, survival to infinity, beyond limits, beyond you and me, into the Garden, where i can rest.
it would seem like i've overshot it, as usual, so much that i've missed the point. all i am is a hamster satiating myself on a wheel. but hey! it could be a lot worse.