sabotage
i have a death wish. i like to self sabotage: when the toxicity rises, i dangle myself above the pot, and refuse to pull back. i am a pile of jenga blocks, each unable to move. i am tied up. i am limp. i hate myself for doing this. i hate that i hate myself. only the lord can take this away, but he doesn't. he wants me to suffer. all the answers are locked away until the storm passes.
i do not exercise. i pick my fingers until they bleed. i scroll before bed. i breathe in the fumes. i sleep too late. i think when i shouldn't. i am locked in this prison. i hate this. i resent it. i cannot heal. the ugliness consumes me. the anger is stuck. it manifests, somehow, somewhere. for some reason i deserve this. i have earned this punishment. i am the child. i want to scream, but there is no one to listen. i will burn up from the inside instead.