overthinking
what, indeed, is a good idea? who am i to think i have any? i feel very awkward all day, and it makes me feel like i am missing something. justifying, justifying. hunting, hunting. sticky gum in the back of my mind. what am i missing, what am i oblivious to? where should i be? should i be somewhere? where is the expectation from? why don't i have any good ideas? why don't i have anything to say? should i have anything to say? who am i? who do i want to be? why can't i just be?
make big things, make things small. what says what i want to say? what do i want to say? my best work is a diamond at the bottom of a murky sewer. what can i make, what should i make? trying to make it work is like trying to thread a moving needle. so much time is wasted that we might as well waste more time. so much energy is spent that we must conserve it at all costs. i bleed out with no recapture. things hurt. i'm disgusted. it must be this way.
analogies, metaphors. attempts to understand. i already know it all but at the end of the day i am as quiet as a mouse. at the end of the day i sit up straight because i already know. i already know. i already know.