indeterminate
i really don’t know what to write about. i have been working on turning my brain off and letting my body speak. do i sound crazy? i just can’t make elegant things come out of my brain anymore. my brain runs into obstacles and doesn’t get over them. i like my course but i dont know what is running through peoples’ minds half the time. london has made me a bit cold. at the very least i don’t know what to say to normal people. have i lost the art of conversation? i am trying to embody my values but that leads me down the wrong path sometimes. i am 25 but feel indeterminate, like i could be 13 or 50 or 85, and with that comes all the questions, like will i ever find love and will everything ever make sense. i try to flow with the universe but sometimes i lose hope because i see the best artists with those same questions not having the answer and i think, they have it all and i am far behind and there really is no answer. and then i backpedal in place and i am sustained only by physical momentum and a lack of choice. i want to write about stuff, not just ideas, but i feel like i have no inspiration nowadays and there’s nothing to say about these times. i would like to remember them, because they are mostly enjoyable: last night zac and i biked half an hour to a comedy night and laughed our heads off at the midlife-crisis crowd and the different facets of the comedians, one of which ate a whole cucumber on stage. i have my coffee every morning; i test out who could be real friends. not a long roster. people in london are baffling. sometimes i simply don’t want to write. it’s a nice day outside