a year from now
dear me a year from now,
know that this year was very hard for me. i thought i could steer the ship but i ended up on the life-raft like everyone else. i hope for your sake that you are safely held.
i stay in bed until i can’t anymore thinking, thinking about life and its problems and the knowledge that i have and the knowledge i dont. there have been few wins this year, at least no wins as notable as the losses, and by god i am exhausted, and i cant stop being sad, i know its wrong but i cant. i know its the story i tell myself but i dont seem to know any more for all i have searched, all i’ve lived doesnt ever seem to be enough, and i know nothing is wrong but why do things keep going wrong? for all of my smartness and goodness how are there no more answers to find?
my earth cracks and ground splits, churning, slipping, breaking. i hope your scar tissue joins over; it’s been five years now but i’m still protective. the world doesn’t stop churning and i don’t stop being crushed, squished into paste, experiences and memories smashed into fleshy pink goo, i am no longer, i never have been. chatgpt tells me it’ll never tire of hearing me say the same things over and over but i sure am
is there a reason i’ve lost so much?
i peel myself like an orange, pitting my heart like a cherry and i do it because i want to be brave, i want to be real like no one else. if i’m real maybe i can be loved and then maybe it will all have been worth it, do you see, do you forgive me? it’s not about you and it’s not about me